My Lifestyle · Questions We Ask Ourselves · Testimony Time

I Am Not Sorry

Heyo! Long time no see I presume..?

I’ve honestly lost track of when the last time I have posted on this blog site an I have to conclude that a post is indeed long over due. So I guess I could say that this is somewhat of a life update once again.

I’m supposed to be sleeping because tomorrow I have a seven hour drive to Connecticut but I can’t sleep and I took my Melatonin. So I should probably be scolding myself for having that extra cup of coffee at nine o’clock at night.

To be honest with everyone I don’t know where to start off. I don’t wanna say that I am okay because I am not, but instead I’ll go on to say that I am above the water.

In these past couple of months I have dealt with a lot of my problems and unfortunately I still am. I’m  re-learning things about myself about the new me because tragedy re-wires the body and the mind.

Grief is a crazy thing correct? It’s a horrible gut wrenching time within the battle. You learn a lot about yourself as well as the others within your life.

Rule #1 I learned that I don’t have to respond to texts, snapchats, messages or anything for that matter. I am from the bottom of my heart not sorry and here’s why. Being a proclaimed selfless person, I am teaching myself how to not be selfless. With the amount of things I am dealing with I am teaching myself that it is okay to not reply because sometimes I don’t have the energy to deal with other people’s problems. Sometimes I don’t even have the energy to carry on  a conversation let alone wake up in the morning but… that’s okay. So, for those of you on the sharp end of the stick don’t take it personal because to me it’s out of utmost respect because I’d rather give you my full attention than to start a meaningless, going nowhere conversation.

Rule #2 I am Healing slowly but surely. After reading rule #1 your probably concerned right? Well please don’t fret! Yes, I am dealing with Anxiety, depression and 9 times out of 10 most likely PTSD but I am above the water. I tend to avoid situations that make me stressed to the point where I start having a panic attack and or cry because when I am set off I can’t get it off of my mind. I avoid places, pictures, and anything that has to do with my mom because I am traumatized and broken on the matter. So, Secondly I am not sorry church because when I attend Wednesday and sometimes Sundays it reminds me of  how I would go home and rant to her and sometimes in the back of my mind I believe that I will go “Home” afterwards, when indeed won’t. Sometimes when I get irritated a switch basically flips and I either get really angry or sad, so I have to busy myself with something in order to stop myself from lashing out on people.

Rule #3 I totally have no idea why I am calling these rules but I’ll figure out what I’ll call these eventually. I’ve realized that no one will ever truly understand what I am going through and truthfully.. I’m kinda okay with that. There will be people in your life who you will trust with all your heart and then the exact moment when they see an opening to blab, they will. There will be people who want to help you and use your problems to ‘Play the hero’ in the midst of tragedy. Lastly there will be people who only want to see you crash and burn when you are still barely afloat.

Most of the time I cn sense when it’s going to be an off day for me. I am still one of those people who don’t want to ruin others’ moods because of mine. So, if I am keeping my distence it because I am in an ‘Okay’ mood and one thing can change it so, I’d rather keep it the way it is than to make things more compleicated than it already is.

So yes, I have anxiety on the fact that I might rub people the wrong way because of my social attitudes when I am having one of those days, I’mafraid that they won’t understand and that I’ll have to explain it all the time, but I don’t.

Guys this is me being honest. This is me being un-plugged so to say, but I am laying my heart and soul on the page here. This is Carolynn Ann Bright. I have Insomnia, I have major anxiety because my thought run rapid and just sometimes I can’t shut up. I have depression because sometimes I just don’t have energy anymore. I’m pretty sure I have PTSD because I can’t remember half the memories with my mom like I used to, nor can I keep my cool, there is so much more I could go on about here. This. Is. Mental. Health at it’s finest.

This is what people are afraid to talk about it and honestly, as I’m writing this I am scared of what you all will think. It’s okay to have your bad days.

It’s okay not to be okay.

Now, I don’t want fifty million of you guys getting all parental and concerned. Because I am in good hands and I am okay. I’m just giving you guys a glimpse on what exactly a bad day looks like to me. I most definitely have my good days. Especially when I have Emma coming up to me asking me about animals and asking if I have eyelashes. Not only Emma, but I am still on my quest to teach Russel how to count to ten.

Now the real question you all have is “Oh! Anxiety, Depression, PTSD?! Are they diagnosed?!”

No, they are not. But us as humans when we are going through a season like this, we need to know why we are feeling what we are feeling, why we feel the way we do and why we do the things we do because we ourselves cannot understand why we do the things we do.

I mean seriously guys I chill daily with my 4 year old niece and her favorite word?…Why?

You have another question already?!

“Why hasn’t she seen someone?”

Because we, I are afraid of mental health. It could be because I am afraid at the moment but truthfully I just don’t have the time this month but maybe next month schedule based. In all honesty we as humans are afraid of the unknown but most importantly we are afraid of the truth. So, I will in this next month make it my mission to see someone, but I first have to make sure I am ready to breathe and talk about it.

I love you all from the bottom of my heart but we need to face the cold-hearted fact.

This. Is. Mental. Health.

-Be Happy, Be True, Be You-

-Carolynn Bright

 

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