Here we are again once more writing a blog post to update you all about my life.
I would positively love to tell all of you that life right now is absolutely full of unicorns and rainbows but unfortunately, I cannot.
As you know about a day before my mother’s passing I posted about grief because a student at my high school had moved on to the next part of his life.
After I spent hours upon hours writing it, I read it to my mom. She was in a lot of pain, but she still sat their and listened to me as I had read it, she began to cry.
Of course me being the human I am, I consoled her and I was utterly confused on why she was upset. I am not sure still this day why she became upset, but all she said to me was that she “wished she was like me.”
After that I had shortened the post just so I didn’t have it over flowing with scriptures that one could read themselves.
but here is part of that scripture that I had written in my notes.
John 11:1-44 The Death of Lazarus.
3″Lord, the one you love is sick.” 4 “When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s son may be glorified though it.”
25 Jesus said to her “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also, weeping, he was so deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked. 35 Jesus wept.
It took me hours to write that post because I didn’t understand it at that time, I had no idea what grief mean’t to me, just yet.
I was trying my absolute hardest to figure it out but I just couldn’t.
It didn’t hit me until I was stilling in an empty hospital bed listening to the priest give my mothers last rites (she was catholic), and he had said that exact verse.
I mean sure my mother was sick but that was normal for me.
Sometimes, these things just happen. It’s in the same sense that we as humans strive and demand to know exactly what shall happen in the next hour, minute and second. It just doesn’t work like that. It never does.
We have to be patient, and willing to wait until the current situation that you are in.
This week is by far the worst week I have had since her passing. Most of you may be shocked, while the rest of you might be nodding your heads in understanding.
I’m afraid the stress of everything is coming back and hitting me full force. I’m definitely the type of person to hold everything in or to push it out of my mind and sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it.
Now unfortunately It has indeed caught up to me to the point I had a migraine on Monday and went home crying. Tuesday, I basically broke down and had an anxiety attack. Today? well, I had an almost anxiety attack and my stomach is still very uneasy.
My hopes are that I can learn to cope with it and quite possibly get the help it need.
Once again, on a somber note, I love you all.
-Be Happy, Be True, Be You-