Where Do I Even Begin?

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Well, Hello all.

Yep well.. geez, I’m already making a blog post weird for myself. Lets just get the show on the road shall we?

As you all know or at least most of you know that my mother passed away on March 1st, which I shouldn’t even have to say but yes what I will come to know as one of the hardest most life changing days of my life.

You see, I thought that this day would come but not this soon, not until I at least was married. As you all know that is a long ways away since I’m only 17 years old.

Honestly this has to be the hardest blog post I’ve written and yes, I’ve had a couple doozys.

You know I never thought that this would happen like ever, at least in the way it did.

You see what most of you don’t know is I was right next to my grandma while she passed away in her sleep, I even held her hand though it all. I couldn’t sleep that night and I thought in that moment that it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life.

Well I was wrong, wasn’t I?

I had some major deja-vu the night my mother died, because I was there too.

I know all of you right now reading this is probably feeling really bad for me, please don’t.

I’ve always wondered why God gave me the life I had growing up. I helped my mother take care of my grandma and she died with me by her side. Now I took care of my mother and she too died by my side.

Coincidence? I think Not.

You know, the months leading up to this I was battling severe physical spiritual warfare. I kept on wondering why and I talked to my mom about it all the time when it happened.

I had no idea why, but now that this has happened, it stopped.

The thing here is that even though everything right now is topsy tervy and ‘messed’ up, I still have the faith and trust that He’s got my back.

The first couple days were rough, surprisingly enough I was getting plenty of sleep and I was carrying on with my life, Packing up the apartment, and planning my mothers funeral.

I took two weeks of school off, and as you can imagine the work piles up.

I’ve moved to my new home with my Aunt, Uncle and cousin. I honestly couldn’t be more happier.

Right now I have a lot of things on my plate. Such as schoolwork, graduating this year and figuring out how I’m going to decide where funeral money goes.

You might think that, that’s the most stressful part but it’s not.

The first day I went back to school was last Wednesday and I got my report card. All A’s, B’s and I’s for incomplete due to me missing so many days. The first thought that went though my head was “Oh, gosh! I can’t wait to so mom. She’ll be so proud,”

and then it hit me.

I wasn’t going “Home”, I wasn’t going to the apartment I called home for the last seven years. I wasn’t going to go home and see mom on the couch playing Words with Friends. She wasn’t going to walk into my room snapping her fingers while humming and dancing.(Oh, Carol.)

I hate to say it but I need her more than ever and I don’t have her here to hold me and reassure me that everything will be okay.

I already have people inviting me to do awesome things with them and It’s either ‘eh, I’m not up for it just yet’ or ‘Oh, wait. I gotta ask my mom about this.’

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I’ve wanted to show my mom stuff or how many times I’ve wanted to sit on my couch and have my daily (hour long) vent sessions with her.

On May 20th 2017 I am supposed to walk across that stage and get my diploma and she won’t be there. When I go to college, she won’t be there. When I get married she won’t be there. When I have those grand-babies I told her I’d ‘never’ have, she won’t be there.

It sucks, honestly that’s all I can keep on saying about the matter.

I know for fact that she loved me so SO much, and I loved her So SO much if not even more.

I’ve sacrificed a lot over the years. I’ve taken off of school many of time to be there for her when she was sick. I also, Neglected my schoolwork from time to time to be there for her. Not only that but I’ve given up many time to be with my friends to be with my mother. If that isn’t unconditional love then I don’t know what is.

That’s a look into my life, at least at the moment.

So please, don’t worry too much. Our savior Jesus has my back along with my devoted family members as well.

For those of you who couldn’t make it to the burial, below is the speech I gave for my mom.

***

I am here but you are not.

We are here as a family, but not whole.

We laugh we reminisce.

We hug and hold on to each other.

We hold on to the memories.

The memories that we hold oh so dear, shall be forever close to us within our hearts.

You. You were loving, funny and gullible, selfless and devoted.

You were silly and always ready for action.

You were often Forgetful yet you remembered so much.

Mom, or as I would say Carol Joan. You were by far the greatest woman to ever set foot into my life. You taught me not only how to walk and talk but how to never ever let ANYONE or ANYTHING get you down.

You were the strongest woman, in my life. You taught me how to be me. How to never let anyone trample your hopes and dreams because one day you’re gonna be able to show those people what your really made of. You taught me to be strong when your at your darkest of moments and so did God because “He loved you at your darkest.” Romans 5:8

I remember a couple days before your passing, I read you my blog post and you started crying saying that you wished that you were like me.

Well mom, I wish to be just like you.

I wish to be just as funny, I want to have the ability to light up a room when I walk in, because heck mom, you brought light to every situation.

You always told me how proud you were of me and what I’ve done in ministry and so overjoyed that I had a mother who supported me in whatever I was passionate about.

Through you, you taught me how to love and when you love to grab onto it as quick as your can and to hold on tight because it isn’t easy, but if your gonna love you better give it your all.

You. Mom. Carol Joan Bright Swiderski taught me how to live.

To live a life worth living.

Worth talking about.

You Carol Joan make me want to live. To live like I never have before in my life. I was thinking about how bad it’s gonna suck without you. At my graduation, when I graduate from college, when I get married and have the kids I told you I’d never would have. When I get into a sticky situation and I need to make a hard decision.

It sucks. I’m not gonna stand up here and lie, but she, she makes me wanna get up each day and prove to her that I can do it. That I have the ability to make her SO very proud of me. So that one day when my time comes hopefully many many many years from now. That I can hug her once again and tell her I did it all for her because if I stand here sobbing and moping about it I won’t get anywhere.

She wouldn’t want that.

She’d want me to be the happiest person out there.

And mom.

I’m not the happiest just yet.

But I promise you I’ll get there.

I love you mom. Thank you for being the an extraordinary woman.

Not, goodbye but later.

And for those of you here today, I have just to say this, ‘Just like the Lotus we too have the ability to rise up out of the mud and darkness and radiate into the word.’

***

For those still reading, thank you for bearing with me and my mega long post. She deserves this if not more.

But my message to you all out there, if you really, really want to help me please do this.

Go up to your mom or Pick up the phone, and dial up your mother and tell her how much you appreciate her being in your life, how much you love her laugh, her smile, her wacky sense of humor. Thank her for simply teaching you how to love and care for another human being. Thank her for always being there for you even when you didn’t want her to be. Thank her for supporting you 100 percent with whatever you had your heart set on.

and when she asks ‘why?’ tell her it’s because you love her so very much.

I would give anything in the world just to hear her voice, her laugh again but I simply cannot.

Memories will slowly fade, The memory of their beautiful face in your mind will no longer be recognizable without a photograph.

but you won’t forget what they taught you, or their crazy sayings that they had.

We are not guaranteed our next breath and the same goes for our parents, they aren’t the invincible super heroes from our childhood any more.

So please tell them how much you appreciate them and love them.

It’s my only request.

I love you all.

-Be Happy, Be True, Be You-

-Carolynn Bright

 

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